Being Human

The other day while I was practicing my morning meditation I just couldn't focus. Something was not right today. I felt like I was being poked by a sharp needle constantly. My consciousness was trying to tell me something that I couldn't understand. It was 5:30 am and everyone in the house was still sleeping. The light had just begun to shine outside. I closed my eyes and tried to focus one more time. I tried to listen very hard to this incoming message. I don't know how much time passed. I was brought back by a a tear trickling down my cheek (my beard actually in this case). I opened my eyes. I had understood. It was a message from my real mother, the one I reconnected with recently, the one I had forgotten for a long time, but she never ceased to care for, love and nurture me. I'm not talking about my biological mother, I'm not even talking about a person. I'm talking about the biggest mother of all, the mother of every creature on this planet, I'm talking about mother earth. It was a message from her and now I had heard it loud and clear. The time had come to give up all the substances which were numbing my mind and keeping me away from my real feelings which are my connection to the cosmos. I opened my waist bag and took out half a packet of weed, a pack of rolling papers, some cigarettes, a bundle of bidis and a gram of Ketamine. I put all these things in a little red pouch that I used to store hash during my travels. Then I hunted around for a digging tool and found it. I collected these things and started walking out of the house. As I was going out my biological mother who had woken up, came out of her room and asked me where I was going. I just looked in her eyes for a moment and turned away to continue walking out. She didn't stop me or say anything more. I think she somehow understood.

I walked slowly and with determination. I was a little scared, a bit unsure. I knew it would be tough but it had to be done. The time had come, the big mamma had spoken and her message couldn't be ignored. It felt like I was being automatically directed to the place where this sacrifice was to be made. 20 minutes later I was in a wooded area of a huge park. No one was in sight. Perfect. I sat down and started digging a hole. Then I took out all the substances out of their packs and placed them in the hole. And then I started filling the hole. There went the excellent weed that I was a gift from my estranged uncle, there goes the Ketamine that I recently procured with much difficulty, then the rolling papers started disappearing under the soil and finally the gift from an ex-love , the little red pouch which was used to store many drugs in it's lifetime. After I flattened the hole down I sat there for a while and prayed to mother earth to give me the strength to never go back to these things again. I even cried a bit, which usually means that this was really coming from the heart. And suddenly I felt liberated. I walked silently back to the house, full of resolve. I was looking forward to this new phase in my life. At this time I didn't realize the extent of this resolve or the difficulties that lay ahead. The next 4 days were horrible. I had given up everything at one go and wasn't easy. No tobacco, no marijuana and no chemicals. I was cranky, volatile and extremely emotional. I would react to small things very strongly. Sometimes I got so angry and couldn't comprehend what was happening to me. I cried often. My angry outbursts were followed by apologizing for my anger. I told everyone at home why this was happening to me. Luckily everyone was very supportive and gave me the space to go through all the negative emotions associated with withdrawal. I couldn't focus well, I had trouble sleeping, my stomach was acting weird, my body had no energy and spirits were down. I slept a lot, made sure I did Pranayam every morning and meditated when I felt I was breaking down. I kept myself occupied with positive and constructive things. I also found support in friends who had also turned sober in the past. After 4 days the hardest part was over. I felt better, stronger, more clear headed, focused and happier. I found it easier to connect with people and my fears had subsided. I was able to control my mind much better, I was breathing easier. I felt lighter, healthier and more energetic. I felt free. I wondered who and why I started to consume these substances in the first place and realized that the biggest reasons were peer pressure and emotional troubles. I remembered that school trip when I had my first beer. I hated the taste that time but still drank for the fear of being labelled as a sissy. I remembered the heartbreak that made me try marijuana for the first time. I was now aware of the escape tendencies that led me to try chemicals. Every new drug that I had tried was always preceded by a major breakdown in my life. How could I not see this before? Had I been sleeping? Had my awareness gone for a long holiday? How could I believe that these things were making me feel good? Well better late than never I guess.

Now I realize how drugs work. Drugs release chemicals in your body, which boost or reduce levels of certain hormones. These chemicals can also activate or inhibit certain areas of the brain. For a time they make you feel good, the chemicals in them give your body and mind a boost and it feels great. But the human body is very smart and extremely adaptive. It changes to bring things back to normal so it starts readjusting the hormones and body chemicals to accommodate the extra that it's getting from the drugs. So after a while the same dose of a drug only manages to make you feel normal. That explains why you can't get the same high feeling with a drug after a while. You need to have more to get the same 'high' feeling. So the dosage just keeps increasing. You always keep chasing the high, but it always keeps going further and further. But not you can't stop because the lack of it puts the body in a deficit or an imbalance and you feel like shit.

Another thing I realize now about the nice, beautiful high feeling is it's not the drugs that give you those feelings, they are only triggers. It's your brain which is making you feel these things and it is possible to achieve similar states without the substances through other natural ways like meditation, physical activity, breathing techniques etc. The feeling is in the mind, not the drug and when this high is experienced without them it's even better because you can experience it in full consciousness. This is a powerful realization. Now I question everything that I considered normal and harmless, like an occasional drink. I don't need alcohol to feel confident and to 'get in the mood'. I just need to conquer my inhibitions on a basic level, to remove obstacles from my own psyche and I can feel the same without it. Same for marijuana. So there goes alcohol out of the window, much to the disappointment of many of my friends. How about caffeine? Was I less energetic when I didn't drink tea and coffee as a kid? No! In fact I had more energy, so now why do I need a coffee or chai to recharge? It's only that my body is so used to it that I can't feel normal energy levels without the caffeine boost. I think caffeine is also on it's way out soon. After that it will probably be sugar. After that maybe I'll give up meat, animal products, god knows what. All in good time.Everything we need is given to us by nature. We don't need anything that is made in a factory. I wanna see how deep this rabbit hole goes.

I know I have to make many changes with this new awareness. Most of my friends will change. I may not be part of many parties or club events. I might be laughed at and even be labelled as boring. But I don't care about that anymore. Enough have I lived for playing to an image, now I cannot ignore the knowledge and consciousness rising inside. All that I need has been given to me by mother earth. I love you mamma, thanks for putting me on this path of becoming human again.